GIVE MYSELF A BREAK

The power of self-compassion

This week I’ve been grappling with a number of different themes for my blog. Issues I care about and plan to write about over the coming months have led me to explore and study the state of democracy, corporate sustainability reporting, development aid, trust, participatory processes, shared sisterhood and more. This week I also experienced the joy of sending my first invoice as self-employed. I’ve also met with two amazing female led start-ups in the social impact space that I hope to invest time and money in over the coming years. I’ve met with friends, family, potential partners and planned the gender-responsive leadership course I will be contributing to in 2023. 

Hey, that’s a lot. And here I am berating myself that this week’s blog is not finished on time. I need to give myself a break. And that’s how this blog came about.

Credit goes to Professor Serena Chen, University of California, who’s article from 2018 in Harvard Business Review I found when trying to understand better the power of self-compassion. This blog summarises the articles main points, which are fascinating. Self-compassion not only helps boost our drive to improve, it also helps us live authentic lives. Treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and without judgment alleviates fears about social disapproval, paving the way for authenticity.

Professor Chen starts by reflecting that people have two common reactions to setbacks at work. Either we become defensive and blame others, or we berate ourselves. Unfortunately, neither response is especially helpful. 

She suggests, that we should treat ourselves as we would a friend in a similar situation. More likely than not, we’d be kind, understanding, and encouraging. Directing that type of response internally, toward ourselves, is known as self-compassion, and enhances professional growth. Self-compassion doesn’t involve judging the self or others. Instead, it creates a sense of self-worth because it leads people to genuinely care about their own well-being and recovery after a setback.

Self-compassion does more than help people recover from failure or setbacks. It also supports what Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, has called a “growth mindset.” Dweck has documented the benefits of adopting a growth rather than “fixed” approach to performance, whether it be in launching a successful start-up, parenting, or running a marathon. People with a fixed mindset see personality traits and abilities, including their own, as set in stone. People who have a growth mindset, in contrast, view personality traits and abilities as malleable. They see the potential for growth and thus are more likely to try to improve—to put in effort and practice and to stay positive and optimistic.

Professor Chen’s research suggests that self-compassion triggers people to adopt a growth mindset. But she also wondered about actual behaviour? How do we know that self-compassion—and the resulting growth mindset—will lead people to work harder to improve themselves? According to the scientific literature on fixed and growth mindsets, one of the most compelling signs that a person has a growth mindset is his or her willingness to keep trying to do better after receiving negative feedback. After all, if you believe your abilities are fixed, there’s no point in making the effort. But if you view abilities as changeable, getting negative feedback shouldn’t deter you in trying to improve.

Being True to the Self

Self-compassion has benefits beyond boosting our drive to improve. Over time, it can help people gravitate to roles that better fit their personality and values. Living in accord with one’s true self—what psychologists term “authenticity”—results in increased motivation and drive (along with a host of other mental health benefits). Unfortunately, authenticity remains elusive for many. People may feel stuck in jobs where they have to suppress their true self because of incongruent workplace norms around behaviour, doubts about what they have to contribute, or fears about being judged negatively by colleagues and superiors. But self-compassion can help people assess their professional and personal trajectories and make course corrections when and where necessary. 

Turbocharged Leadership

A self-compassionate mindset produces benefits that spread to others, too. This is especially the case for people in leadership roles. That’s because self-compassion and compassion for others are linked: Practicing one boosts the other. Being kind and non-judgmental toward the self is good practice for treating others compassionately, just as compassion for others can increase how compassionate people are toward themselves, creating an upward cycle of compassion—and an antidote to “incivility spirals” that too often plague work environments.

The fact that self-compassion encourages a growth mindset is also relevant here. Research shows that when leaders adopt a growth mindset (that is, believe that change is possible), they’re more likely to pay attention to changes in subordinates’ performance and to give useful feedback on how to improve. Subordinates, in turn, can discern when their leaders have growth mindsets, which makes them more motivated and satisfied, not to mention more likely to adopt growth mindsets themselves. The old adage “lead by example” applies to self-compassion and the growth mindset it encourages.

A similar link between leader and subordinates exists for authenticity, too. People can sense authenticity in others, and when leaders are seen as being true to themselves, it creates an atmosphere of authenticity throughout the workplace. There’s also substantial evidence that stronger relationships are forged when people feel authentic in their interactions with others.

Fostering Self-Compassion

Professor Chen’s article ends with a few practical tips and tricks. Fostering self-compassion is not complicated or difficult. It’s a skill that can be learned and enhanced. Ask yourself the following: Am I being kind and understanding to myself? Do I acknowledge shortcomings and failure as experiences shared by everyone? Am I keeping my negative feelings in perspective? If this doesn’t work, sit down and write yourself a letter in the third person, as if you were a friend or loved one. Many of us are better at being a good friend to other people than to ourselves, so this can help avoid spirals of defensiveness or self-flagellation.

First published on 2 December 2022.